I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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