Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I AM VODKA MAN
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
