sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
