hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
