im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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