How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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