I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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