my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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