If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
