They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
