if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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