85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
