Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
