I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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