So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
