you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
