Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
