What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
