I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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