I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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