Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
