Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
