yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
