I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
