You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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