The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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