I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
