Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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