before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
