Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
