giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
