bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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