dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
