Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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