I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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