It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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