when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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