dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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