It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
