You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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