I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
