She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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