You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I think I won the penis lottery.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
