I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
