Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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