I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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