She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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