Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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