So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
