I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize