May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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