he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Randomize
