I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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