$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
did you just send me my own nude
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
