This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
